~*~ author's note: This is a letter I wrote to our son, Alexander Ashley. He was born asleep two years ago after my water broke unexpectedly due to chorioamnionitis. While I do question whether or not it's appropriate to share this so publicly, it's an important part of who I am. So in the interest of full disclosure, here it is. ~*~
January 24, 2011 (yes, I'm aware that is tomorrow). Happy Birthday Sweet Alex. You would have been 2 today. I still think of you every day. I still wonder what you would have been like. I still hate myself for not holding you when I had the chance. The nurse told me I couldn't hurt you, I guess I didn't believe her. I'm sorry. Tori colors pictures for you about once a month, I've saved them all. I don't know why, but I have. I guess the same reason I have your ashes, blanket and photos. Because it just seems wrong not to keep them. I approach this day, the day you were born asleep with such mixed feelings. The grief still catches me- like last week at Toys R Us when I saw all the newborn baby boy clothes. Or when I first put that little snowman coat on Harlow, the one I bought for you. Sometimes though it just comes out of nowhere and blindsides me. I can't breathe and I feel like my head might explode from the pressure. But exactly one year after you were born, on January 24 2010, we brought your sister home. She helped heal me in so many ways. She has given us so much joy; joy I never thought I'd feel again after you left us. I believe there was a reason she came home on that day. It wasn't coincidence, maybe it was you. Maybe you were telling me it was going to be ok?
So I'm feeling like I need to do something. Something to remember you, even if it's just something small. I just don't know what. I go visit my grandparents at the cemetery when I'm feeling the need to be close to them, but I've got you here with me. I didn't want to have you buried, just in case we ever wanted to leave Ohio, I couldn't bear the idea of leaving you behind. So that's why I chose to have you cremated. So I could keep you with me. I'm going to come up with something that can be "our" tradition, I just can't think of anything right now that seems worthy of you.
*~* I apologize for the excess of gloom and doom as of late- it was not my intention to start a blog just to cry nonstop. Currently working on something new, and decidedly less depressing. *~*
i'm sorry honey. if i could i would hold you and rock you in a big old rocking chair. (you're never too old to be rocked by your mommy.)
ReplyDeletei'll be thinking of you both tomorrow.
thanks Mom. It's just been one of those days that starts off bad and keeps getting worse.... To top it all off, my fucking car is dead for the 3rd time in 2 weeks and I'm here alone with the kids. No idea how I'm getting to work or they're getting to school. If there was ever going to be a day I lose it and blow up an entire neighborhood, tomorrow is looking pretty damned good for it.
ReplyDeleteThis post describes how I feel about my son on nearly a daily basis. Its like he's a book on a shelf that I look at every single day, but only occasionally allow myself to takes down and read. Sometimes Naudia brings it to me, sometimes Brandon. Most of the time though it falls off the shelf and lands open in my lap and I can't help but be taken hostage by it. It swallows me at times. Its so incredibly hard, wondering what our babies would have been like, had we had the chance to do more for them than say goodbye. I'm so sorry that you lost your precious Alex. he's had such a beautiful name! I'm sure he is in heaven, with my little Brandon and that they are perfectly aware of how much we love & long for them! Happy birthday, Alex!!!
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