Processing Harlow's Birth, One Year Later

Harlow's birth, one year later. So I've had a full 12 months to “process”, “come to terms with”, “mourn” or whatever you want to call it. You'd think that would be enough. You'd think that I would look at my beautiful little girl and put the past behind me; after all we both survived and that's all that matters, right? Oddly, (and maybe selfishly) no it's not. “I” didn't deliver my daughter- she was ripped from my body. A full month before she should have been. All because my faulty body failed us both. I had a giant blood clot that caused my placenta to peel away and start to bleed like crazy. That c-section saved both of our lives. If I hadn't been in the hospital already, we probably wouldn't have made it in time. So yes, I am grateful that c-sections exist. I know mine was not one of the many unnecessary ones. But I don't have to like it. I don't have to like the fact that I lost my birth experience with my last baby. I don't have to like the fact that I chose to have a tubal that I now regret and can't take back. So many things went so horribly wrong and I'm still not over them. I don't know that I ever will be, honestly.

Harlow's first months were HARD. I really think she was just so not ready to leave the womb; she did not adjust well to life on the outside. She slept 18 hours a day those first couple months, when she wasn't asleep, she was screaming. She was a slow weight gainer from the start- because she was so sleepy and angry. Now that she's approaching toddler-hood, things are better. She is much happier! She still doesn't gain weight for shit and has left her sleepy days far behind her. She's ADORABLE though, and that makes up for a lot of sleepless nights.

I think she has recovered from her traumatic entry into this world. I wish I could say the same. I have this ugly scar from hip to hip that will stay with me forever. I have a strange numb feeling along the scar that I've been told will likely never get better. I haven't felt right since her birth and in trying to figure out “What the Fuck is Wrong With Jen” I found websites dedicated to “Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome."    To any woman considering a tubal, I beg you to please investigate “PTLS” it is real, and it's more common than we realize. The only cure is a tubal reversal, which may-or-may-not work and no insurance will cover.  Some of the most common symptoms of PTLS are irritability, sudden tears, trouble sleeping through the night, loss of libido, fatigue, anxiety, feelings of doom, hair loss and headache- and that barely scratches the surface of what this procedure does to your body.

I wish I could look forward to celebrating Harlow's birthday without these feelings- but they currently are taking center stage in my mind, unfortunately...

But, on to some cuteness:

                                                       Newborn Harlow, 5lbs. 3oz.

And 12 month old Harlow, 18 lbs. 8 oz.