I'm guessing anyone who doesn't have children is probably scratching their heads over the name of my blog. Or maybe you're one of those bastards that has “normal” or “well behaved” children. If so, bite me. For the rest of us, with bat-shit crazy spider monkeys posing as children, I give you my “List Of Shit I NEVER Thought I Would Have To Say”
- (obviously) “Stop coloring on your sandwich” said to my dear Tori bird when she was about 4 and decided she simply HAD to have pretty bread.
- “Get the dog's foot out of your mouth”
- “No, we cannot put the screaming baby back my belly. It hurt like hell getting her out, you're stuck with her”
- “Go get a Mr. Clean sponge and clean that up. And for the love of all that's holy- STOP WIPING BOOGERS ON THE WALL”
- “Who put the dog in the fish tank?”
- “...And you thought painting the carpet with Balmex was a good thing?”
- “Why is there piss on the toilet seat AGAIN?”
- “Yes I know zombies are cool. But your obsession with them is why none of the other PTA moms will play with me”
- “How fucking hard is it to flush a toilet? GAWD!”
Note that a good majority of this list involves bodily functions and/or fluids. This is only a partial list, if I wasn't so lazy I'm sure I could remember more. This is the fascinating life of a parent. These are the things that make Lonnie and I both seriously consider packing our shit and sneaking out while the kids sleep. This, my friends, is the Ultimate Birth Control.
jen - you are so funny. obviously you inherited the writing gene....
ReplyDeleteand btw - my adorable precious grandchildren could not possibly have said those things.....
ReplyDeletedo we have to post the test word with every post? sheesh, what a pain in the ass....yeah, i know i am already bitching. you come by it naturally my dear....
ReplyDeletetest word? I don't know anything about that- I'll try to figure it out, though. And no, they didn't say that- they did stupid shit that forced me to say them!
ReplyDeleteahh, I found the little button- got it and turned it off. No more test words!
ReplyDeletethat's what i meant to say - they DID the things that caused you to say....
ReplyDeletemaybe because you are the admin it doesn't require the test word with each post. actually a good idea because it prevents spammers and such from posting on your blog. i think the only way around it to go private - like our other one.
no big deal, if i have to type a test word - i shall.
HA! did not have to do it this time, i guess after a few posts you are OK.
ReplyDeletewhoops, just saw your post that you turned it off. here i thought i was ok....LOL
ReplyDeleteoh, and they are far from angels! I wish I could say I embellished or took any type of creative liberty here... sadly, it's all true. Even sadder? I feel like I've missed some of the better, more insane things I've had to say over the past 9 years. I intentionally left out anything that made me think "oh shit, I sound like my MOM" because you know, that's just traumatic and stuff.
ReplyDeletefunny thing...i too sound like your mom...
ReplyDeleteand yes, it traumatizes me also.
ReplyDeleteMine is only 13 months old so...
ReplyDelete1. "Get your fingers out of your poop!"
2. "For God's sake, let me clean them before you stick them in your mouth!"
3. "Why would you take off your diaper and pee out of your crib?"
I'm sure more will be forthcoming as the years pass. =)