SNOW DAY! And then a whole lotta whining...

Ugh, snow day how I hate you. I mean, I guess on one hand, I didn't have to leave the house to drop off or pick up demon spawn- but on the other hand, this means they were home with Lonnie and I. All Day. Trapped in the house with no hope of escape. Oh, and I was out of coke until about 6 when Lonnie took the Jeep out to brave 8” of snow covered back roads to go to Circle K. While he said this was done out of love, I'm guessing it was more something like “Holy Shit, if this bitch doesn't stop crying I'm gonna have to kill her.” And with all the snow, burying a body would be a real Pain In The Ass. The end result is the same though, I got coke. Nobody has to die. All is well in the world.

So now I'm properly caffeinated, the headache is dissipating and the older two demon spawn are in bed for the night. Maybe this day won't be a total loss after all. I did get a nap, and who doesn't love a good nap? It's not like the kids were bad today (though Tori is going through this God Awful crying-over-everything stage) it's just I guess I've come to covet those rare moments when I'm only responsible for keeping the baby alive. I've given up on ever having a moment of time that's completely child-free, being down to only one is as good as it's going to get. Does this make me a bad mom? I adore them, don't get me wrong. I just would probably kill for some time to myself. Oh yeah, and time with my husband minus children would be fabulous too. Just even less likely to ever happen!

We had Tyler when I was 19. I was barely old enough to vote, not even old enough to drink and suddenly I was responsible for feeding, changing, ect a completely helpless human being. All of my friends were going to clubs, figuring out who they were- I was figuring out how to breastfeed and going to the pediatrician. Do I regret having him? Not for a moment. Do I wish that he hadn't come so soon? Absolutely. I look back on the mistakes I made with him as a baby and I feel SO BAD. I honestly did the best I could, but I didn't know enough to really give him the early years he deserved. I wonder if these early mistakes have contributed to the fact that we are just not close at all. I try, and I think he does too- we just don't... click. We are a lot alike and I think is part of the problem. We both have nasty violent tempers, both are insanely sensitive... oh yeah, and we are both bat shit crazy.

I've said it more times than I can count- this parenting stuff is HARD. Like beyond trigonometry kind of hard- and that says something coming from a girl who barely passed high school Algebra 1. I guess if I wanted to just give up and let them raise themselves it would be a lot easier- but I'm way too much of a control freak to ever let that happen! So I appeal to you, Internet- how do I fix my relationship with my son? How do I make him hate me just a little less? I expected the seething rage from him at 16, getting it thrown at me from a 9 year old is just a little more than I know what to do with.

Oh yeah, last thing- Harlow's appointment with the “Feeding Disorder” specialist is Friday. I'm going to meet with her, a nutritionist and lactation consultant (because I told them I refuse to stop breastfeeding her, so they better figure out a way to help her gain weight without giving that up) The plan is for me bring her bottles, cups, spoons and food and they are going to watch her eat. From there, we'll discuss what we need to do to help her gain weight and if they see anything that looks abnormal, we're going to do a barium swallow test. I don't know what to think of all this. She's SCRAWNY- she really does need to put on some weight, but the pediatrician's recommendation of switching her exclusively to formula, force-feeding solids and supplementing with pedia-sure, just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe she's just going to be tiny. It's not like the women in my family are exactly large in any way. So I'll update on how that went sometimes Friday evening- the appointment is at 1 and they said it'll take a couple hours.