Do people even still do this in 2013?

It’s been 2 years since I wrote here.  Really? 2 years?  What the hell?  Do I even still have it in me?  Does anyone even care?  Sure, I can be amusing, but....

Let’s get things up to speed so I can pretend that I’m actually going to do this on a semi-regular basis again.  Basically when I started writing I considered it good practice for the book I want to eventually write.  I also considered it a form of therapy, except cheaper and I don’t feel guilty for my language like I might if I were talking to “a professional.”  Life got in the way, I got lazy… And then a whole bunch of shit went down and I just decided I didn't have anything funny to say.   I had a stroke and it seems to have quieted my creative side.

Family update:  I’m almost divorced.  I’m happy about it.  Harlow lives with me half the time, the big kids are with their dad full time.  I’m not happy about that and I’m not willing to discuss it beyond that right now.  I reconnected with my “one who got away” from high school and that’s turned into one of the most amazing experiences of my life- more on that later.  Basically we've had some really low points, some really high points, but I feel it is all directing me towards a better version of myself and a better future for the kids.

The Shit In My Head update:  It’s easy to be cynical and snarky when it feels like it’s the only thing holding all the pieces together.   It’s easy for me to be angry, because that is my comfort zone.  Where I struggle is self realization.  I have a hard time seeing myself and seeing what actions I need to take to improve.    I can sit here and write 8000 words about how there are a couple bartenders that I see on a regular basis who I hate on sight.  I could tell you about the customers who come into my shop that I want to punch in the face.  I could tell you what a bastard my ex-husband is.  But none of these things really address the issue of “Jens reaction to her environment.”  And that is what I need to work on right now.

For those who read this before, it probably feels a lot different.  It feels different to me too.  It’s not flowing like it used to.  It’s not comfortable any more.  I hope that in time it will become comfortable again, because I really love to write and I don’t think I’ve lost that- I just think it’s sleeping.

But here it is.  I’ve tentatively dipped my toe back into the world of writing publicly.  What happens next?  Hell if I know, but I have a metric shit ton of crazy source material to draw from- so hopefully it’ll be fun for both of us. 

Dear Sadly Neglected Blog,

Has is seriously been over a month since I posted here?  Dear God, I am SUCH a slacker!  My apologies, I'm sure you all had your lives on hold, desperately refreshing your blogger dashboards, just praying for an update.

Right?

Right?

umm... Well this is how I picture it and since it's my blog I'll do what I want!

I do have a good excuse for my absence, if it helps at all...

Excuse #1: Tyler got sick again.  He spent a week at Children's Hospital, then came home for a week, then spent a week in a hospital in Youngstown.  Seeing how that is an hour away from here, that made for quite the horrific experience.  Wish I could say he's "better" but.... well, every day is a struggle for him.  While I don't feel any need to vomit his personal details all over the internet, I also don't think there is any reason to hide his condition. The official dx is "major depressive disorder, recurrent, with psychosis."   The most important thing to say about this is he is NOT psychotic.  The depression is so severe, it causes psychotic symptoms.  He will be ok, but it will be a life long struggle for him.  We're doing what we can to support him; but it is damn near impossible to be a good support system to someone who alternates between being desperately afraid to leave your side one minute and the next despises you with a homicidal rage that seems beyond human.

Excuse #2:

I got a second job.  So I'm working 3 days a week at the promotional products distributor and 2-3 days a week at a retail store.  The store is pretty special- it's a "high end boutique" that specializes in crystals, jewelry, hand made truffles and henna.  We do events weekly that include henna body art, palm readings and tarot card readings.  It has a strong internet presence, and a very passionate local following.  Oh yeah, and there are ghosts.  So I'm loving it.  It's great that I've got this opportunity to have 2 jobs that are so wildly different, but I sincerely enjoy them both.

Excuse #3:

How about just the fact that I have a husband, 3 kids, 3 pets and a house?  They all need constant attention and there are only so many hours in a day!  If you truly feel your life isn't complete without the benefit of my daily blogging, I suggest you get your ass over here and do a load of laundry... Or dishes.. I'm not picky, just come clean something please!  And on your way, stop at the grocery store- we've been eating out every day for the past month because I just can't manage to drag my lazy self to the store.

Well, I could keep making excuses, but I think you get the idea.  Instead of figuring out how to put an amusing spin on my daily interactions with the fucktards of the world, I'm spending the little bit of time I have to myself in the evenings watching re-runs of "Roseanne" and stuffing my face with nachos.  And oh yeah, it's rained for a month.  Every.damned.day.for.a.month.  Nothing sucks the sense of humor out of me faster than dreary, cold rain.

My next venture is attempting to do henna body art.  I will post photos so you can all laugh at my feeble attempts at creating art.  My sweet daughter has volunteered to be a human canvas for me- poor little girl has no idea momma can't even draw stick figures!

Some Music-y Thoughts On A Rainy Day

I'm sincerely disappointed by my lack of blogable experiences as of late. Apparently I either need to get out more or the entire city of Akron has officially become the “Dullest Place In The World”... which is sad, because we were going so strong to be in the running for either “Ugliest Place In The World” or “Highest Concentration Of Certified Cat Ladies Per Capita”... Ahh well, there's always next year.

My life lately consists of either working or taking children to doctor's appointments. It's kind of exhausting, to say the least. The only thing that's good about this particular situation is the inordinate amount of time I spend in the car. Not only do I actually enjoy driving but it gives me plenty of music time. My poor little 2^nd generation iPod nano is so worn the ink has disappeared off the little touch wheel. It's all beat up and really is past the point where it should have retired. But it travels with me everywhere and keeps me sane, so I keep it.

I may have, at one point or another, mentioned my unhealthy obsession with all things music. I've written about it many times- but never in a format cohesive enough to put out publicly. (Yes, this is actually the cleaned up version of my rambling thoughts- they spill out much more disjointed than this) I'm going to attempt now to make something of those pieces of thoughts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride and I wish you the best of luck on this journey into my mind.

1993. This is the year I was introduced to Tori Amos' “Little Earthquakes” album. I was a goner after that, devouring all music. I have music on at all times. As I write this, it's Blue October's “Foiled” album. I've restrained myself so far, but one thing you'll learn about me is that I tend to have few original thoughts- I think in lyrics. It's annoying to those around me who don't share my obsession- to you, I apologize. I'm one of those people who has a song for everything. It's not even intentional, it just happens. It's like my brain was removed to make room for a giant iPod. The only reason I have a blackberry is for the Pandora app- like I said, it's kind of an illness.

My middle child, the one who is determined to kill me with her love of all things glittery (and crop tops... she's my ultimate payback for my teenage years and she's only 7!) is even named after Tori Amos. Like I said, I first heard Tori in 1993, I was 12 and my mom's then-boyfriend-now-ex-husband-who-lives-with-her (love ya mom!) brought over “Little Earthquakes” for her to hear. If I'm not mistaken, it was on cassette because we didn't have a CD player yet then. I was in love. Plain and simple, in love.

In 1995 I had a really bad experience. One of those things that forever changes you. Teenagers in general are pretty bat-shit crazy and this threatened to push me over the edge. I was in therapy, but bahh... therapy only works if you want to be less-crazy. I embrace my crazy, I revel in it. Anyway, back to Tori... Few people have the ability to effectively sum up raw emotion, but Tori did it with “Me and a Gun.” At this point, I had a CD player and this was one of my first purchases- and I wore that poor disc OUT! In fact, one of my all time favorite lines is from “Tear in my hand”... “I can't believe you're leaving 'cuz me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream” Seriously, who writes like that? It's funny, beautiful and insane all at the same time- BRILLIANT!

I know I can't be the only person with this type of mangled thought process. Lonnie thinks in terms of film, so I feel a little better in knowing that at least he kind of gets me. I don't know that I've met too many people who also have a never ending jukebox in their heads- but if you're one of them- I insist that it's time we stand up and be heard! Maybe if all of you start walking through Target singing to yourselves, people will stop looking at me like I'm crazy. Children will stop pointing as their mothers hurry them away “Now Billy, don't look at the crazy lady- it's not nice. And she might be dangerous.”

So back to my music for all situations. Let me throw some examples out there and you can judge for yourself if I'm your average run-of-the-mill music lover or if I'm truly a hopeless train wreck who should be locked in a padded room.

We went to Virginia Beach when I was 15 and I listened to Fiona Apple's “Tidal” CD the entire time. So now every time I hear “The Child Is Gone”, it takes me back to being a carefree teenager on the beach.

My entire senior year of high school was spent driving around with my friend Tiffany avoiding actually being at school. Hey, we were in Telecommunications so as long as you had a video camera with you, nobody asked any questions ;) We listened to every Ozzy song ever written that year, about 1000 times each. So (for many reasons...) “Sweet Leaf” will always make me think of 1998/99.

When Lonnie and I met, he introduced me to a fabulous artist, Heather Nova. I'd never heard her before, and now her music is entirely wrapped up in my mind with all of those fabulous feelings of being 18, in love and invincible. I don't think there is another singer out there that can instantly make me feel deliriously happy like Heather can.

… and now I'm going to clumsily end this post with no real sense of closure. Kind of ran out of writing steam, as I have a small wiggly baby climbing me and her sister is throwing a MASSIVE tantrum in a weak attempt to avoid cleaning her room... Wish me luck, I already think this is going to be a long weekend....

Who Wants To Analyze My Dream?

I've been having this dream and it's making me crazy.  I can't figure out what it means, or why I'm having it again.    Let me start with the back story (shocking I know, I'm going to ramble on about some random thing...)

In September of last year my grandfather had knee replacement surgery.  He was incredibly healthy, everyone was excited for him to get his knee fixed, as it was the only thing about him that even indicated his age, you'd think he was 20 years younger.  So he goes for surgery, everything went PERFECT.  When I saw him that night he was laughing and joking with the nurses.  We visited for a while, then I left so he could rest- promising that I would be back after work the next day.  I got a call around 2 the following day that he had collapsed during physical therapy.  To make a long story short, he had a very rare complication from anesthesia and he died 11 days later- he never woke up again.

In November, we thought Tori had lymphoma.  She had many symptoms and a very large mass in her neck.  My biggest fear was not the cancer.  It was putting her to sleep to remove the mass.  I was so afraid of watching her go through what we'd just watched grandpa go through 2 months previously.

About a week before her surgery, I had a dream.  I normally dream quite vividly, and often wake up not quite sure what is dream and what is real.  This was not a "real life" kind of dream.  Even in the midst of it, I knew I was dreaming.  It was smoky and... mysterious... and just unsettling.  Everything was gray and I could see my grandfather standing far away from me, holding a baby who I felt was Alex- but I never saw his face.  There was no sound, nothing was said- just Grandpa and Alex standing in the distance, with Tori and I standing next to each other.  Grandpa was waving, as if to call Tori to him. I woke up then.  I never saw if she walked to him or not- but I felt as if I was being prepared to have to say good bye to her.  I never got to tell grandpa good bye, once he collapsed he never woke up again.  Alex was still born, so I never got to tell him good bye either.  I was worried they were coming to make sure I didn't miss another opportunity to say good bye.

Tori made it through the surgery with no problems and we were blessed to find there was no cancer.  So maybe there were a couple extra people watching over her that day, making sure everything went right.

I actually kind of forgot about that dream up until a couple weeks ago when I had it again.  Only this time, there is no one next to me, it's just Grandpa and Alex and one end of this weird smoky room and me at the other.  Now I'm having it almost every night and I don't know why.  It's put my head is a really horrible, fucked up place.  I feel like there is something they are trying to tell me and I don't think I'm going to feel better until I figure it out.

So I knew I'd slack off

... I just didn't think I'd slack off this soon!  My apologies (especially to Erin, who kicked  me in the ass).  Life has been crazy this past month.  Let me start with my oldest child and work my way down.... So get comfy, grab a drink... Oh hell, you better make a sandwich, we're gonna be here awhile!  Here's a sweet picture of all three kiddos to tide you over as you are forced to read my babbling...  Especially since this is all "blah blah blah... kids kids kids... not too much funny here- but thank god I think I'm over my whole whining about everything phase.  I think.  I make no promises, I'm kind of a crier, sorry.

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TYLER

Tyler spent 2 weeks convinced he was dying.  Literally screaming in pain, clutching his stomach, can't walk/talk/breathe kind of pain.  After 3 doctor's office trips and 2 ER visits, this is what we were told....

"He has a UTI".... but wait, after 3 days of antibiotics and 2 urinalysis, no he doesn't.

"He has a kidney stone"... no, not right either- no stone on ultrasound or xray

"We're calling a surgeon, it's his appendix.  Have dad leave work, we'll be operating within the hour" ... Oh wait- change of plans- with no fever, rebound pain, or abnormal labs, surgery doesn't want to touch him.

"Well, the xray showed he's constipated... Or it might be an intestinal blockage.  Give him miralax- but if he throws up or gets a fever get back here ASAP or he'll die"  Seriously, this is what I was told.

2 days of miralax and one toilet that needed a priest to exercise it before anyone else could use it; things are looking better for Ty.  So apparently he really was full of shit... just like I've been telling him for years!

Through all of this, we learned he has a urethral stricture and will need to have that fixed.  This involved a minor surgery on his penis.  We will try first to do it with a local numbing cream in the office- but if that doesn't work, we'll need to schedule him for outpatient surgery at the hospital.  The procedure will be done in Youngstown (damn insurance issues!) on April 14.  We also learned he has kidney reflux like Tori and I do, but since he's never had a problem, we don't have to treat it- just monitor for now.

So, because I love pictures- here's my Drama King: (he refuses to look at a camera unless threatened with his life)

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Tori

Tori, my beautiful, graceful Tori-bird....  Where to begin?  Princess Grace was jumping on the bed a couple weeks ago.  You know where this is going right?  I mean, you know what happened to the monkeys, don't you?  Yep, fell off the bed.  Right on her pretty, but empty, head.  She had a HUGE lump on her head.  We iced it and sent her to bed.  Kids fall you know?  No big deal.  She kept telling us "things look fuzzy" but, she's dramatic- I kind of ignored her :(  Two days later she got really dizzy and may-or-may-not have passed out in the bathroom, hitting her head on the counter on her way down.  So I call her doctor.  They tell me she needs seen, but they have no appointments.  I take her to Urgent Care- they look at her for about 30 seconds and tell me to take her directly to Children's.  Imagine if you can, 3 kids and one mom- ER waiting room on a Friday night.  It was a good time.  Wait.... I'm confusing myself now.  She ended up going to ER twice for this, and now I'm not sure when the second hit to the head was...  (now which one of us is truly the brain damaged one?)  Anyway, 2 ER visits and one CT scan later showed Miss Tori has no bleeds or fractures- but has a concussion for sure.  We have to follow up with the Head Injury clinic on Tuesday.  She's still occasionally complaining of her head hurting and being dizzy- but I'm confident these things will resolve with a little time.

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Harlow

I've saved the longest for last.  My youngest is ensuring her place as the final baby is secured.  Apparently she doesn't understand that there is less than a 1% chance of her being dethroned- gotta a love a girl who refuses to take any chances!

Feeding therapy is going well.  Her chewing skills have improved, she drinks well from a bottle and is starting to enjoy her food a little.  The weight gain is a slow process, but we're getting there.

We see the gastro doc in a couple weeks to further investigate why eating hurts for Harlow.  Her choking seems to be getting worse, and she's getting this cough that's making me think (hope) it's just reflux.  She gets very congested when she eats, like you can hear her rattling from across the room- so her therapist wants to get an ENT consult as well.  Luckily, thanks to Tori's drama from the Fall we know an excellent ENT.

At her weight check with the pediatrician this week, we discussed her new hernia and her old hip problem.  Doc was irritated I didn't bring her in right away when this abdominal hernia showed up a few weeks ago.  Whatever.  I'm tired and it I didn't think it was an emergency- but I guess I'm a slacker  (as you can tell, I've just been lounging about, eating chocolates- I've got NOTHING going on)  So off to the General Surgery Department we go.  We see them next week- pediatrician told me to expect surgery scheduled pretty quickly after that.

As for the hip, that pesky hip... When Harlow was 6 months old we noticed her left hip popped a lot, and it seemed to hurt her.  They did an xray and said she had some thickening of the bone in the growth plate but it was nothing to worry about- just watch it and see if it improved.  She wasn't crawling yet, so we let it go.  Now, at 13 months, she is crawling and every so often, that leg gives her trouble and she'll stop using it- she's perfected this "tripod crawl" which is super cute, but kind of sad to see that leg just being dragged along for the ride.  98% of the time, she crawls and stands normally, it's just an occasional problem.  So crazy-long-story-short, she is now going to an orthopaedic surgeon to have the hip re-evaluated.  I think that will also be in April- my calendar is in my purse and I can't keep all this shit straight in my head.  I'm hoping she'll be walking soon, but I think she's afraid to- she's pretty smart. Wouldn't eat because it hurt and won't walk until she trusts she won't get hurt.

I had a story about her at Amazone today, but it's taken me over 2 hours just to get this written (I've gotten distracted about 70 times!)  I'll be back- but if I forget, please feel free to yell at me!

My daughter, the graceful one

Ugh, so Tori was jumping on her bed last Wednesday night and fell; hitting her head on the head board.  By Friday she was complaining of blurry vision and her head still hurt.  Well after a phone consult with the nurse at her doctor's office, I took her to Urgent Care.  They looked at her for about 2 minutes and sent us to Childrens ER.  They said she managed to give herself a concussion, but would be just fine.

Fast forward through a weekend of crying about her head hurting (like random, out of nowhere shrieking "Oh my god, my head hurts!")

Tonight, my darling Princess Grace smacked her head again, on the bathroom counter, because she was hit with one of those stabby head pains again-- but this time it made her dizzy too.

To my more experienced momma-friends out there- is this the normal progression for a "mild head injury"?  Or do I need to call the doctor again?  She missed so much school because of her lymph node surgery, I hate to take her out if I don't have to.

So, internet- help me parent, because tonight I'm just not sure what to do!

Yes, I'm a little extra bitchy lately

...and I'm tired of apologizing for it, I'm tired of downplaying it, I'm just plain tired.  So I'm just going to go ahead and lay it all out.  Now you know and there's no reason to ask me "are you ok?" or "why are you acting like this?"

*  I hate winter.  With a seething passion.  I'm tired of being cold.  I'm tired of sweaters and boots.  Beyond over wrestling a coat onto Harlow every time we have to leave the house.  I understand that for some people this is just an annoyance- but it's honestly traumatic for me.  Every winter, it's the same thing.  Every year it gets a little harder to cope with.  I'm at the point where I really do feel like I'm going to crack and kill someone, just so I can climb inside them to keep warm.  I want to hide until the sun comes back out and I can wear sandals again.

*  My baby is sick and nobody can tell me why.  Everyone just refers her to someone else.  Pediatrician to dietitian.  Dietitian to rehabilitative services.  Rehab to Gastro.  Who know where we'll go next?  I doubt they'll know either.  I know I'm tired of it.  Just tell me why my baby can't safely drink anything.  Just tell me why it hurts her to eat.  For the love of god, please tell me why this is going on?  She's so skinny and I feel so bad.  It doesn't even have a name, it's just a bizarre collection of symptoms that don't quite fit together.  So I can't even say "Harlow has XXXXX, so we will go to the doctor who specializes in XXXXX and s/he will tell me what to do to either cure or at least manage XXXXX"

*  I think the big kids must be stir crazy.  At least this is what I'm telling myself, because the alternative is "my kids are evil demons from hell that must be destroyed for the safety of all humanity."  As you can see, "stir crazy" has a better ring to it.  They don't even try to listen to anything we tell them anymore- I can't wait until I can just throw them outside and tell them to come back in the fall.  (literally, Tori lives outside all summer- that girl can't get enough of sidewalk chalk and bubbles!)

*  I need a vacation.  Like a real family vacation.  Because of Lonnie's schedule, we've never had one, I've taken the kids to Canada, SC, and WV multiple times by myself.  I'm sick of it- I want us all to get away for a while- but with him just (maybe?) starting a new job today, I don't see it in the cards for a long time still.  Not to mention, with Harlow having therapy every Friday, plus there are other appointments that will be coming up that we need to work around.... grrr.... I just want to see the ocean again; is that too much to ask?

So I think that sums it up.  Yes, I snapped at you the other day.  No, I probably won't return your phone call right now.  I am aware that I'm being an anti-social a-hole.  I'm ok with it.  This is how I deal with shit.

Oh, one funny-ish thing did happen this week...

Harlow and I were at the thrift store (because it's my favorite store ever!) and we accidentally went on "Senior Discount Day" OMG- that is a mistake I will NEVER make again.  We were probably stopped by little old ladies every 10 feet who wanted to poke at her and tell me all about their grandchildren.  Due to my state of increased bitchiness, I also am afflicted with low tolerance for irritation- a dangerous combination.  Anyway....

Little Old Lady #72: "Oh what a cute baby!  She's just the prettiest thing I've ever seen!"

me: "Thank you" and I try to keep walking, quickly

#72: (grabs cart to steady self while I pray she doesn't fall and break a hip- because honestly, I'd probably laugh and then the whole world would know what an asshole I am)
         "How'd you get such a pretty baby?"

me: (ok, am I being accused of stealing this child?  Am I so ugly I couldn't possibly have a cute child?  What exactly are you questioning here you old bat?)
         "Oh she looks like her dad"

At this point, I'm hoping this is the end of the conversation and the dinosaur will go away... BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE...

#72:  "Well, you're lucky to have an attractive husband so that you get a beautiful baby like this"  and she walks away.

Now I'm the one left shaking my head, trying to make sense out of this.  What the hell did that mean?  I know I'm no supermodel, but seriously?  Half the moms I see when we go out are wearing pajama pants and sweatshirts.  My hair and makeup were done, I wasn't dressed up, but I looked ok.  What the hell just happened?

That's my week.  Sick baby. Bratty big kids.  Much stress and annoyance.  I need a drink.....